I don’t know him, but, he seems so intriguingly gentle and placid that I dream of being submissive to him. Duality is erotic.
❝
So lonely
that i hope
someone breaks in
here
do what they want
but maybe talk a bit
and hold me
touch my hands
touch my face when it’s done
for i am old and thinking
will no one help me with this suffering?
The same soft cry
bound by night
framed by rain
and a desperation
so tired
so many years
how long have i been here?
- Mingus Tourette, Nunto 47
What I’m supposed to remember
I am worth more than the number on the scale. I am worth more than my GPA. I am worth more than the image of myself that I try to present to others. I am worth more than the sum of my skills and talents. I am worth more than the amount of validation I receive from others.
(At least I try to believe so.)
I am a soul capable of creating art and experience many different emotions. As a friend of mine has written, “If everything is impermanent, and only your soul is certain, why compromise its capabilities?” I am capable of impacting other people’s lives, even if only by small acts of kindness. I have a very loving extended family whom I deeply cherish - to them I am worth more than any number. I am capable of fully experiencing the power of music.
reblog
posted:3 weeks ago
I don’t know what to do.
My self-esteem seems to depend so greatly on the amount of positive attention others give me. I don’t seek out attention explicity, rather I try to bring it upon myself in subtle ways such as studying really hard so that I can answer the more difficult questions in class, or trying to get the best grade on a test so that the teacher will acknowledge me. Or dressing nice so that others will notice my uniqueness through the way I present myself.
I think this is probably unhealthy in a way that causes me to focus on arbitrary and inconsequential aspects of my life, thus overlooking all the things that I will not realize are important to me until they’re gone.
reblog
posted:3 weeks ago
❝
Find what you love and let it kill you
- Charles Bukowski
❝
There is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock, people so tired mutilated either by love or no love.
- Charles Bukowski (via beautyisanillusion)
I don’t know how to not be like this without merely going through the motions. I don’t feel I mean it most of the time when I tell someone ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’ over Facebook. But replying in such a manner is good etiquette - you must reciprocate. You must add smiley faces or exclamation points or hearts at the end of comments in order to show enthusiasm or lighten the tone of a serious conversation. I’m not at all complaining, I just feel so insincere.
I spend the majority of my days inside my own head. Fretting about my hunger/fullness cues. Elaborating the depths of my own experience. A compulsion for self-expression and the comfort of familiarity.
All I think about is myself. I like the feeling when I receive validation from others, but I don’t feel like I have that genuine caring part that develops in connection with others. Most of the time, if something bad happens to someone else, I think about how it will affect me first and foremost. I am intrigued when I read or hear gossip about something bad that has happened to someone else because it makes me feel better about my own existence.
And yet I do genuinely like making others happy. I love making or buying others thoughtful gifts to show my appreciation. Is this because I care about the happiness of others, or beecause I want them to like me more?
I’m not sure what to make of all of this. I’m not sure if my feelings are a normal part of the human condition, or if they are a consequence of years spent inside my own head engaging in an eating disorder when my adolescent brain should have been developing in social ways, or if I’m just a terrible person.
I feel the need to suppress these tendencies by people-pleasing and being extremely polite.
reblog
posted:1 month ago
